4.1.2005 [just past midnight.]

hm. well.

i fucked up.

regrets. they fucking suck, don't they? the things you should've done, but didn't. the things you would do again, if you could. or so you tell yourself. but maybe that's not true. maybe you'd make the same stupid mistakes all over again, because it's hardwired into you. engrained into you. beaten into you by your own pointless existence.

i've made mistakes. i've fucked up. i think maybe i had a chance at something amazing. i'm not saying it would've panned out. likely it wouldn't have. but i didn't even reach for it. it was right there. right fucking there. and i chickened out and turned away. let it slide. worse: i broke it on purpose.

what the hell was i thinking? worse, what the hell am i thinking now, when i think -- if i had the chance again, maybe i'll go for it, and maybe i won't?

i've got my reasons. don't i always? they make sense. they're sensible. i call myself an idealist but i'm not. i'm a realist; a coldblooded, career-driven realist. my career is my life. i never wanted that. i never wanted to be someone who did exactly what he needed to do to succeed in his career, and nothing more or less. i never wanted to be married to my job. but i am, aren't i?

this is a fucking pointless rant.

where was i?

oh yeah, reasons. of which there were always plenty. too far away; too big a change; can't ask it of one or the other. no can do, and i let it slip right through my fingers. did it myself. let it go and ruined it.

best thing i've ever had. or maybe that's just the regret talking. maybe that's just me watching the ship sail and wishing i was on it. but i'll never know now, will i?

christ, but it hurts.

i just glanced at my buddylist. she's not there. i didn't think she would be. but i hoped. and you know what? that hurts too.

didn't i swear up and down never to let this happen?

maybe that's why i let it go like that. but too fucking late. i wasn't cutting loose before it dragged me down. i was hacking a fucking limb off at that point.

so i promised that'd be it. if she didn't wanna talk to me, i wouldn't talk to her. i wonder if i'll stay true to that. i should. i probably won't. and then it'll be this all over again, until... whatever. or maybe she'll ignore me. which will be for the better. but fuck...

what the hell is this entry for?

what the fuck am i ranting on this for? it's useless. this isn't real -- online shit. just as flimsy and false as anything else online. it's pointless.

and yet i'm still stuck in it. and give me a chance for something more, and all i can do is run the other way.