10.9.2002 [later.]

looks like it's gonna be another multiple-post night.

i feel so discontented. like something's out of tune inside him, there's a certain churning in my gut, a stiffness to my muscles and a red haze in my brain. i'm angry for no apparent reason - or not so much angry, as just...unhappy. annoyed.

discontent.

i don't know what the source is. i can't pinpoint it. nothing appeals to me right now. i have too much on my mind and the things that usually settle me down aren't. i can't force my mind into that groove where i can write effortlessly and thus let of steam here. nor can i slip into that stream where i can take the role of a character and lose myself in fiction for an hour or three. i don't want to go running. i tried exercising, but i can't do a few 'ups of any sort without getting annoyed with the repetition.

i sprawled on my bed and i couldn't close my eyes. it's not just discontent. i'm dissatisfied and i'm restless. i can't stay still and and i can't find a movement that satisfies me. i don't know why i feel like this, but i know i've felt it a lot lately. ugh.

maybe what i need is a long vacation. unannounced. just pack up and go far away. of course i'd lose everything i've worked for, so i might as well not come back. maybe i'll go to southeast asia; i've always wanted to see a monsoon.

i can't rant. i can't put myself in that mode. i'm too discontent to rant. my left arm aches. when i was little i'd get worried about this; i'd think i was having a heart attack. i kinda outgrew that, though. this is just a reaction i get when i'm stressed, cuz i tense up too much and the muscle pulls tight and eventually starts to ache.

i'm not happy with things right now. i love my job and i love the city i live in normally, but right now i do NOT want to be here. i look out the window and i wish i see something else. i wish i could walk out the door tomorrow and be something else. not someone else, no - this isn't a massive soulsearching thing (yet).

i'm just...

ugh. that's the only word for it. i'm incoherent and i'm ugh. i can't stand it. everything feels so stale right now. there's a lot i want to say that i won't, not here. i've typed it and deleted it three times, so i'm just leaving it off this time.

i'm going to bed.