4.9.2002 [a little later]

too much time on my hands. second entry of the night. not much to say. still in an amazingly bad mood, though if you asked me, i couldn't for the life of me tell you why.

usually i almost like being in the hospital late at night. i mean, not the associations of work and sleeplessness that go with it, but there's something oddly, sterilely cool about the empty corridors and the darkness outside the windows.

just in a really bad mood today. having a bad day, i guess. eh. whatever.

maybe i should go pinch that snoring woman. or roll her on her stomach. something. ANYTHING.

nevermind, i can't handle the malpractice lawsuit. smirk.

i'm gonna go try to catch a wink of sleep. maybe close the door all surreptitiouslike while i pass.

my god, i feel sorry for her husband.

nah, don't feel like sleep. gonna go chill with the other residents for a while. bitch and moan about life and work and love. heh.

ah yes, love. l'amour. all that. let's talk about love. is it right to think someone's so great, so wonderful, so perfect while you're with her, and then wonder what the hell you saw in her when you're not? or vice versa?

that's me right now. flipflopping between the two. sometimes i think she's great. sometimes i see she's great. then sometimes i think this isn't going anywhere.

maybe we haven't had enough time. after all, it's not like this is a long-term relationship. things come and go. maybe i just need to give it time.

i don't know what, the fuck, i'm babbling about.

i commit too fast. i've known her what, a month? two on the outside? i can't remember. i commit too fast, i go exclusive too soon. and then it just hangs. it turns into this odd sort of pseudocommitment on my end. monogamous, but only for a while. only for a while.

there's no doubt in my mind. this is just a bit of fun. i like her, i like her a lot, but this isn't forever. this isn't the rest of the my life.

but there's my other flaw. i dismiss too soon. i was with sara for a year. more than a year. i don't remember how long. it was dying down for maybe a month or so at the end. but when it broke, it broke in about 10 minutes.

or do i dismiss too slowly? was that month or so at the end too much time?

let's get back to briana. i'm judging too soon, much too soon, and i know that. i can't help it. i even know why i'm judging too soon: it's because i committed too soon and now i need to back out. or something. i need room, i need space, (i need that fuckin FAT SHITBAG to shut up), and i just typed bitch there but i erased it and put in shitbag instead because i have trouble calling women bitches, cunts, really gender-oriented curses like that. just a quirk. whatever; you didn't need to know that.

i should shut up. this is like one of those teenage angsty diary entries. gah.

FUCK. will someone SHUT HER UP?

what was i talking about? briana. right. fuck this, it's 2am, i'm too tired/awake/ticked off and annoyed to think about it. it'll make sense tomorrow.