3.31.2002 [easter afternoon]

Damon's Hotness(/sexiness/beauty) Battle Royale!

What is Damon's Hotness(/sexiness/beauty) Battle Royale, you ask? Very simple. 20 women from history, myth and legend who, for whatever reason, caught our hero(that would be yours truly)'s attention - narrowed down to the one and only Coolest, Hottest, Sexiest Chick Ever. Like a Miss America of time.

In selecting this final Coolest Hottest Sexiest Chick Ever, our hero sought the help of a certain feminist whose name has been concealed to protect her innocence:

Damon: if you had to name the hottest woman from history/myth/legend, who would it be?

The Nameless Blameless Innocent: I don't think of women in terms of hotness.

but alas, to no avail! So, of course, our hero put his head together with the Grand Overlord of Evil (that would be Chuck), and came up with...

...THE (preliminary) LIST.

Atalanta

Aphrodite

Artemis

Athena

Chuck: And Athena and Hera both lost to Aphrodite already, remember? ~smirk~

Bruhilde

Chuck: I LOVED WW's turning Bruhilde into a Gangrel, and how in modern days, she and her Valkyrie horde ride cycles like a biker gang. ~chuckle~

Cleopatra

Eleanor of Aquitaine

Elizabeth I

Chuck: Elizabeth wasn't hot at all, dude.

Damon: that's okay, she was powerful *rowrrr*

Eve

Freja

Guinevere

Helen of Troy

Igrayne

Chuck: ~puts Excalibur on again, this time with DVD commentary from Boorman~ I'll let you know what he says during the "boobsucking" scene (as you so eloquently put it last time ~smirk~)

Kate

Lady Macbeth

Chuck: I don't think she was ever implied to be the most beautiful at the time, though.

Damon: yeah, but she was coooooool. like, sexy-cool.

Chuck: Crazy-sexy-cool? ~smirk~

Damon: *kicks*

Lilith

Chuck: Doctor VonPsycho: I think Lilith was hotter than Eve, but that's the whole Bad Girl thing. ~rrrRRRrrrrrr~

Medea

Medusa

Nefertiti

Persephone

Titania

There was some dispute as to whether Sappho of Lesbos should be included:

Chuck: Throw in Sappho. ~smirk~

Damon: she didn't swing our way *smirk*

Chuck: But is it fair to exclude a woman who might be hot, just because she wouldn't screw you? ~smirk~

Damon: YES!

...but alas, the fair maiden did not make the cut. And so the twenty were chosen, and out of them, our hero then selected (with much pain and effort) 10 quarterfinalists:

Damon: okay...hmm.

Damon: i'm gonna drop atalanta she's stupid enough to chase after golden apples when her future is at stake...

Damon: bruhilde, cuz she might be a potentially nasty breakup

Damon: eve, because she's clueless

There was a dispute over Medea...

Damon: medea, because she's too scary and militant, heh

Chuck: Actually, I always tend to cut Medea slack.

Chuck: Like, the Greeks vilified her, because of what she did. Then again, the Greeks also didn't see anything wrong with a husband sleeping around with younger girls, just because. And considering she sacrificed her entire life to be with him...

Damon: yeah, she got screwed

Damon: but then she went really bonkers, heh

Chuck: And she went bonkers, because the man she loved more than anything was ignoring her and banging anything that moved. If the situations were reversed, I'd certainly off the bitch. ~grin~

Damon: *LMAO*

Damon: all right, add medea back in

Chuck: Who-hoo! ~grins~

...resulting in her remaining on the list.

Damon: nefertiti, cuz i don't know anything about her other than she's got a great profile

Damon: persephone, because she's pretty dumb

Damon: eleanor of aquitaine, because one of those powerful women of history has to go

Damon: freja, i guess, just cuz *heh*

Damon: igrayne, just cuz

Damon: hmm...and toss cleopatra, too, i guess.

And another with Kate...

Damon: kate. she was pretty much the devil in disguise.

Damon: oh man, but SO COOL!

Damon: *puts her back on*

Damon: okay, i'll cut kate anyway

Damon: on technicalities *heh*

Damon: 20th century literature isn't legendary enough *smirk*

...ending with her getting booted unceremoniously off the list, which now consisted of:

Aphrodite

Athena

Cleopatra

Elizabeth I

Helen of Troy

Lady Macbeth

Lilith

Medea

Medusa

Titania

Damon: drop Elizabeth I, cuz her star just isn't bright enough compared to the rest

Damon: umm...cleopatra, too.

Damon: augh.

Damon: lady macbeth.

Damon: medusa...

Damon: and. erg.

Chuck: ~chuckle~

Damon: sheeit.

Damon: like, seriously dead heat *LMAO*

Damon: okay, medea's gonna hafta go now

Chuck: ~sobs~

Chuck: ~invites her over to my place~

...at this point, our hero realizes he has somehow misplaced Guinevere...

Chuck: And you know, you've forgotten Guienevere again, yes? ~chuckle~

Damon: what?!

Damon: AUGHHHHHHHH!

Chuck: Heeeee.

Damon: AUUUUUUUUUUGH!

Chuck: ~chortles~

...which results in a mass redoing of the last two steps of the contest...

Damon: okay, in that case, Medea's gonna have to be dropped in the last round

Damon: and this time...erg.

Damon: okay, lilith is gonna hafta take a hike

Chuck: Ohh, SURE. Just because she wants to be on top. ~smirk~

Damon: *kicks* though, dammit, she IS really cool. hmmm.

Chuck: Heh.

Damon: but then Athena's got that gray-eyed, intelligent thing going.

Chuck: You even have her eye-color in your brain, do you? ~whistles innocently, recalling earlier comments about Damon and visual idealism~

Damon: dude!!! that's not me! homer called her "Gray-eyed Athena"

Chuck: Yeah, but very few people would assume that to be canonical. Most people will just kind of shrug it off entirely... ~smirk~

Damon: bah. i like the idea of her gray-eyed *grins* reminds me of my gf these days *smirk*

Which devolved into a brief tussle over the honor of said girlfriend...

Chuck: A grey-eyed redhead?

Damon: well, sorta this grey-blue

Damon: and her hair's not red

Damon: it's like...reddish brown

Chuck: Ick.

Damon: *SMACKS*

Chuck: It's called auburn.

Chuck: And you just saved her from me, so you should be happy. ~grin~

Damon: humph. ANYWAY...

Chuck: Heh heh.

Damon: you know, i have a lotta blondes on my list.

Damon: i'm gonna change aphrodite to venus

Damon: okay, lilith is gonna have to go after all. she's a redhead, heh.

Damon: (you can have her, though)

Chuck: Lilith is not a redhead. She has jet-black hair. ~grumbles~

Damon: dude, she is SO a redhead! i think the books have her as redheaded.

Chuck: She is so NOT a redhead. She's not potent and passionate, she's somewhat scheming and obstinate. Big difference. ~chuckle~

Damon: whatever she is, she's off the list!

Which leaves the list as:

Athena

Guinevere

Helen of Troy

Titania

Venus

Our hero is very shallow:

Damon: okay, athena's gotta go now.

And he also realizes something crucial:

Damon: i think i can drop one more from the list, and then i'll just give 'em numbers. 1 2 and 3 *smirk*

Venus gets her place secured on the hierarchy:

Damon: i don't think Venus can be dropped. aphrodite would've been, but like, aphrodite is a slightly inane blonde (affected by those damn Xena shows, obviously) while Venus is a sultry, knowing, voluptuous... *drools*

Chuck: Venus, to me, reminds me too much of Sailor Moon. ~grin~

Damon: AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Damon: NOOOOOOOO!

Damon: you RUINED IT!

...and, about half an hour later, the other drop-ee is finally chosen.

Damon: all right, i think my forgetting guinevere again and again means something.

Damon: so i'm dropping guinevere.

Damon: (AUUUUUUUUUGH)

And the final results are:

(drumroll)

Damon: dude, i can't drop guinevere. heh. i'm dropping helen of troy instead.

1. Venus

2. Guinevere

3. Titania

Damon: tada!

Chuck: And this will last for precisely 5 minutes before you decide to change it. ~grin~

Damon: *smirk* likely, but i'm gonna stop thinking about it now.

Damon: argh, what a MASSIVE waste of time *LMAO*