10.26.2001 [3:22am]

Coughing up feeling just for you
to find something real to hold onto
But there is a hole inside my heart
where waves of my love come tumbling out

You say that all the good is gone
That i have forgotten who i am
Free as a bird, wild as the wind
But somehow i can't let you in

i see an angry ocean. it's grey and capped in white. i see a line of breakers waiting their turn and behind them, a line of thunderheads sweeping in from the west, bruise-colored bellies low to an ocean the color of iron.

i see seagulls crying to the wind, that wild wistful bird's cry that always reminds me of the salt sea and salty tears, that peculiar emotion stirred by the boom of the ocean and the spray of water and sand and the smell of the sea, the sight of the sea on a cloudy day, clawing at the land.

i see a woman...

i see her hair, raven-black, long and straight and falling from a straight middle part; noblewoman, maybe, madwoman, perhaps. i see her pacing the seashore. her feet are getting wet in the foam and her dress is long and it billows out like a cloak. i see her pacing, bringing her hands to her temples; i see her wheeling, i see her screaming at the ocean and the wheeling birds frightened by her cry, i see her with a storm in her heart and

i see her in the seaside cave, watching the sea tumble in to the shore beyond the mouth, framed like a picture in a television, the sea scent and the sea sounds, the sea rolling over itself beneath the slate-grey sky. i see her seeing the sea.

i see her crying.

i see tears tracking down her white cheeks (she's fine as porcelain, she's made of fine porcelain) i see her stone-still letting them fall. i see her weeping silently. i see her in the darkness of the deepest reaches of the cave, far from the endless sea; i see her sobbing.

i see her, knife in hand.
i see the blood braceleting her wrists, falling to the sand. the sand is grey. the sky is grey. the ocean is grey

where waves of my love come tumbling out

and her blood
is red.

i see the birds coasting the winds.

i see the knife slipping from her loosening hand.
i see the tide rising.
i see the breakers fall.
i see the knife fall to the sand.

i see the birds wheeling away...